6 OF THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS:
-+- Easy UNIX
-+- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
-+- Everything Men Know About Women
-+- Bill Clinton's Guide to Ethics
-+- How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
-+- Guide to Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson
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Engineers vs. Managers
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height
of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape
measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks
over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it
from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and
walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he
gives us the length."
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The Blonde & the Coke Machine
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and
she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his
thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine
a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which
she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse
again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine.
Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic
and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took
the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and
pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had
been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me
Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied:
"Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
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Golf Ball
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into
his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you
try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't
lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it
into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water
it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up
in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe
him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The
friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"
The man replies, "I found it."
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Bet ya read this twice!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men
say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, "
retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about
our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'sa talkin' abouta sex? I'm
a justa tellin' my friend how to spella Mississippi'."
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Stupid
De volgende radioconversatie heeft werkelijk plaatsgevonden, en werd
vrijgegeven door de Amerikaanse Marine:
#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to south to avoid a
collision.
#1: This is the captain of a U. S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF
THE U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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A cute Y2K compliance memo:
While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000 and
most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be
fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case
unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our
customers.
Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to
meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations
failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary
Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.).
This device has been field tested extensively, including certification
testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained,
the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior
to use, the P.E.N.C.I.L. will require preparation and testing. Tools
and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device;
and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).
Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind
the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area
must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees should
read this sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor for
assistance.)
Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take
the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper and
pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single
line.
(CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or
damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the
paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above.)
Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the
operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming
symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you
normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift
the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it
against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious
and somewhat redundant but, with practice, you should be able to
increase your speed and accuracy.
The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device
is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions
operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply
place the device against the erroneous data and pull it backwards over
the letters. This should remove the error and enable you to resume
data entries.
(CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device.
Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable
deletion and may require re-initialization of action as above.)
This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if
technical support is required, you can still call your local computer
desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.
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women vs Ford
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets
Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your
invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world."
As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford
thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and
introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, - "When you invented Woman,
what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says
Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your
invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
Just to name a few."
"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the
Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the
results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads
it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is
flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.
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A Prayer for the Stressed..!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The
courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide
the bodies of the people I had to kill today because they pissed me
off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they
may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work^Å.
12% on Mondays
23% on Tuesdays
40% on Wednesdays
20% on Thursdays
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember^Å. When I'm having a really bad day, and it
seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles
to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite
me^Å.!!
Amen
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Travel Expenses
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan
officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a
loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that
was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out
and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An
employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do
appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you
would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"
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All the Same
Jet Li walked into a pub in New York with his pal. He says to his pal:
"Hey! That's Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he'll come over
to say "hi".
Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a punch on the nose.
Li: "Hey!! What's that for?!" Spielberg : "You bloody Japanese killed
my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour!" Li : "I'm not Japanese!
I'm Chinese!" Spielberg : "Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all
the same!"
Spielberg walks back to the other side. Then Jet Li calmly walks over
to Spielberg and gives him a really heavy punch on the face.
Spielberg : "Hey! Wha' that's for..... !?!" Li : "YOU BLOODY ASSHOLE!
YOU SANK THE TITANIC!" Spielberg : "No, I didn't, an iceberg sank the
Titanic!" Man : "Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"
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The following is a series of actual quotes taken from insurance and
accident forms. They are the actual words of people who tried to
summarize their encounters with trouble.
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my
hand through it."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I
did not see the other car."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel
and had an accident."
"I was on the way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a
place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to
stop in time to avoid the accident."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and
vanished."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but removing my hat, I
found I had a skull fracture."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
hood of my car."
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows."
"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out
of its path when it struck my front end."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other
vehicle. The driver and passenger then left immediately for a
vacation with injuries."