"Relationships Before And After" - Rated R



Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold
your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten
and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs
follow ambient dinners like a fine port.



After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while
hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly
and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new
girl in the office really does have a great ass. Here are the key
indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.



1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot
day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but
those days are well and truly over.



After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out
your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and
expect her to accept that you're just being you.



2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl
to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.



After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride,
commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the
resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in
bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.



3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality
and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend
Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is
really nice.



After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the
personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you
wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.



4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours.
You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit
grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing.
Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.



After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do
have sex, you think about Amanda.



5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes
about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee
you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories
of her childhood.



After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that
doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to
be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time.
The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
Overall Evaluation



6. What She Thinks
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete,
attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which
have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that
you're full of shit.



After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!