2001 THE DARWIN AWARDS

It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are
given each year to bestow upon
(the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice,
has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

5th RUNNER-UP

Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at
the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
The
22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
The
accident occurred about 3AM,the Mono County Sheriff's department said.

Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley
and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt.Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who
might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski
slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and
determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.  Police found
him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch
wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP

"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related
to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the ..22 bullet to
replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth
and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and
tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank
during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.  "Another man
had
it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It
wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put
it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and
tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday
with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston
Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the
skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon
from
the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an
initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably
known
now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend
tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's
right
eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimetre to the left, a major
blood vessel would have been cut and
Roberts would have died instantly.  Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at
the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10
inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that
had
Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed
himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been
filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the
initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER.

The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great
state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the
George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers
between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot
fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the
fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than
Mr.
Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately
for
(the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the
fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a
tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a
large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a
broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring
the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded
to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr.
Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE
body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch
penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife
penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain
and agony, threw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the
pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state,
he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his
friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its
driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive
internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it
half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in
his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...